I Wonder What You see When You Look at Me

I wonder what you see when you look at me.
Do you see a quiet young woman and pass her by?
Thinking: "She can't possibly entertain me."
Do the words, 'boring' or 'arrogant' come to mind?
"She's quiet. She's shy. It must be true."

I wonder what you see when you look at me.
Do you stop to notice me?
Do you see doubt and fear hidden behind a beautiful smile?
Do you walk away, untouched, or do you linger?
Do you want to know me?

I wonder what you see when you look at me.
Do you see a potential friend who will love deeply?
Do you see beauty beyond the surface?
Do you see a daughter, and call me forth to walk out my identity?
Do you see the hand of G-d upon my life?

I wonder what you see when you look at me.
Do you dismiss me or do you want to know me?
Will you be patient and gentle, as I find my voice?
Will you help me to spread my wings and fly?
To be the mighty woman of faith, G-d has called me to be?
Will you treat me with respect and dignity?

All of my life, I was kept silent by pain and fear.
All of my life, I swallowed lies about my worth and identity, despairing that they were true.
All of my life, I believed that I had nothing to offer; no beauty to share with a hurting world.
For how can someone offer life and healing, when they are still broken?
All of my life..... until NOW.

Now, I have encountered the Truth, and Truth has set me free.
Now, I have tasted a Love so tender and extravagant, and know that I am loved.
Now, I know my identity as a daughter of the Living G-d.
I am a princess; I am loved; I am valuable; I am beautiful.
Now, I am free to love and be loved.

Now, I wonder what you see when you look at me.
I hope you see a heart-warming smile.
I hope you see love and compassion.
I hope you see peace and joy.
I hope you see a beloved friend.
I hope you see transformational beauty, beyond surface level.
I hope you see gold, which has been refined in the fire, and sparkles to reflect the Light of the Son.


This is what we are called to.
We are called to be love. We are called to honor people and bring them up out of the depths.
A smile, a hug, a listening ear, an encouraging word, a simple gesture; you never know what will tear down walls and make room for love and life.

I am so thankful for all the people along the way who took a chance on me; who spoke life, beauty, truth and freedom to those broken places. I am thankful for the honor they showed me, and the persistence in speaking truth over me until I finally opened my heart up to the possibilities of love and beauty. I am thankful for all the hugs, for all the tears, for the vulnerability, for all the ones who spoke the truth in love, for all the prayers, for the deep friendships that came out of it, and for all that G-d has restored in the process. I am so thankful for the love of G-d, revealed through these precious ones, and thankful he crossed our paths.


Dear one, He sees you. He loves you. He knows every tear you have ever cried, and keeps them close to His heart. He has never once left your side; never once did you ever stand alone, never once did He leave you on your own. When you couldn't see His footprints beside yours... it was in those times that He carried you. You are so beautiful to Him, and He desires to know your heart. Allow Him to love you. He is good, kind, compassionate, faithful, slow to anger and rich in love. You can trust Him.

How can we show this kind of love to others around us? Who needs our beauty, our love, our strength? Who needs us to be their friends, and let them know that they are seen?

Driven by a Need to Write

   Recently, I saw a picture, on a friend's blog, that said "I am most alive when I write."  I also read a quote by George Balanchine, which said, "I don't want peple who want to dance, I want people who have to dance."  For our purposes, let's replace the word 'write' for 'dance'.  I WANT to dance, I HAVE to write!

   I need to write.  Writing is like a fire shut up in my bones!  Once a creative spark has been ignited, I have no choice but to surrender to the flame.  For, if I delay in writing, I am given no rest until I begin.  Ideas bounce around in my head until they find their perfect place in the puzzle of a story.  I am frequently consumed and driven by a desire to write.  It is as though G-d plants a seed of thought deep within me, waters it and causes it to grow into completion.  I am just the messenger.

   Writing is my most beloved creative outlet.  It makes me come alive; using expressive language to give voice to my imagination, innermost musings, and prayers.  Often times, I have trouble finding words to verbally articulate all that I am thinking, but when I write, the ideas ebb and flow.  Writing is how I process the world around me, and how I debrief.  It helps me organize my thoughts and make sense of the static.  It also connects me to G-d in a way nothing else can, and I am left in awe of Him.

   Inspiration comes in all shapes, sizes, and depths.  Whether it be from a casual or meaningful interaction with friends or strangers, a powerful sermon, prophetic dreams, soul-piercing prayers, poetic lyrics, a moving composition, a funny or thought-provoking movie, a time of soaking worship, a well-written book, a magnificent sunset, the intricate details in nature, an action-packed storm, an unexpected adventure, a painting or a photograph, a word aptly spoken, a remarkable act of compassion, or countless other encounters; beauty always demands a response.  Likewise, pain, tragedy, trauma, tears, heartache, courage, victory, and stories of people who overcame in the face of adversity, bring inspiration all their own.  I never know when or from where the inspiration will come, but when it hits, I must be prepared to write!

   I see beauty all around me, and am constantly left in awe of our Creator.  I feel deeply, and am profoundly impacted by the emotions and stories of others.  I hear the silent cries of the oppressed, and feel their pain.  I am introspective, and like to ponder meaning and significance.  I write out of places of inspiration, pain, love, beauty, understanding, and connection; all fueled by these realities. 

   Writing has always provided a safe and comforting space.  Growing up, I often felt invisible and misunderstood.  I learned that it wasn't usually safe to share my heart and thoughts with others, because my words would either become painful daggers used against me or fall on deaf and uncaring ears.  Back then, writing was my only outlet, and my journal was my only true friend.  Writing gave me a voice when I felt like no one was really listening.

   So, you see, writing has always been my tool of choice. Though the methods have changed, it is still my favorite method of communication.  I love using words to paint vivid pictures.  I am drawn to both the structure and creativity that writing offers.  It is both a hobby and a passion of mine.

   So, while there are many things I enjoy doing (like singing), and many things I want to do (like dance), I HAVE to write.  I am often driven by the inspiring hand of G-d, and I feel most alive when I write!

  

A Museum Tour and Fresh Insight

   With a show of hands, how many of you enjoy spending time in museums and art galleries?  Now, how many of you enjoy going on guided tours of museums?  I'm guessing the number of you who raised your hands for the second question was significantly lower.

   I have always enjoyed museums and art galleries.  I'm drawn to the visual aspects of such places; whether it be the architectual details of the buliding, the vibrant colors and distinct lines of a painting, the faces of people painted long ago whose eyes pierce your soul and draw you in, the stories represented by organic artifacts from an ancient culture, details in photography, life-size sculptures, or landscapes that bid you to drink deep of the beauty captured on canvas.  I like to examine the details, absorb the beauty, and let the pieces speak to me.  I like to ponder the stories and meanings behind them.

   However, when it came to a guided tour, I would get so bored and check out.  I dreaded them during school field trips.  I would have rather pulled my hair out or climbed the walls, than listen to this person give fact after fact about some event in history that didn't interest me enough to keep my attention.  And it wasn't even that the subject was boring--I could be fascinated by the objects being discussed--it was the presentation which bored me. 

   I realized, in highschool, that I am a kinesthetic learner.  I cannot sit still for long periods of time, and I do not absorb well, audibly, if I am not being engaged in other ways.  Depending on the speaker's presentation, I have a hard time following what they are saying, unless I take detailed notes; but if they talk fast, forget it.  So, when the musuem Guide was going on and on about the history and facts of a subject--even if it was interesting--I was unable to follow and retain for very long at a time, and would, thus, get bored quickly.

   Well, today, I went on a tour led by a friend I respect; and I was actually sad when it was over and couldn't believe that it had already been two hours.  I never got bored once, and was able to follow and stay engaged with just about everything that was being said.  For, it is all about presentation and whether or not you are repeating facts verbatum, or engaging your audience and involving them in the story being portrayed.

   This tour was unlike any other I had ever been a part of, and for that I am truly greatful.  I learned so much and have a new appreciation for sections of the museum and ancient cultures I otherwise avoided.  We toured the Egytian, Asian, and American Indian wings of the museum, today, and while I've always been interested in these cultures, I would shy away from these areas.  It was because I could feel the weight and presence of the deities respresented, and because I didn't have a grid to comprehend or truely appreciate the complexity of all I was seeing.  All I could feel was the tension of the spiritual realm, and it made me uncomfortable.

   He explained the reasonings, background and stories behind what we were seeing, and helped us to be aware of the presence behind the artifacts.  All of the artifacts on display were created for a purpose and, usually, for a deity.  There is an underlying current of presence that goes beyond what we we can see visually; that our bodies are aware of.  (That's why I feel so heavy--like I cannot breathe, at times--when I am in certain places.)  So, we need to be engaging all of our senses, not just vision, when interacting with a relic of history or an artist's interpretation on canvas.  What is the story behind it?  What is the presence that it is communicating? What is the artist trying to convey?  It really changed the way I view "art" and gave me an understanding of how to engage with what I am seeing.

   I really appreciated what was said about these ancient cultures, and how we, in America, have this mindset that just because we don't understand why societies do things or don't speak the same language; we assume they weren't as smart as us.  These societies were highly sofisticated and advanced for their time, especially the Egyptians. Just because they view the world and communicate differently than us does not make them lesser.  I've always despised this arrogant theology, and yet it tries to invade my own thinking, at times, as it is so ingrained into the fabric of our nation.  The blood of the Native Americans cries out as a testimony to these ancient predjudices.

   In regards to the worship of false gods and the contstruct of images, we discussed why a society would build it's entire worldview and system around, and invest all of it's wealth and resources into the worship of all those false gods?  You wouldn't invest all your time, energy and resources into something you were convinced didn't matter or wasn't real, would you?  It made me think about how there are always counterfeit gods and systems of religion which exalt themselves above Creator G-d and parade as the real deal.  They have real power, presence, structure, and ideals and a set of rules.  The deities performed signs and wonders and struck fear in people's hearts.  They demanded things from the people.  Though counterfeit, the gods were real and the people trusted and feared them.  In our present society, we don't worship the gods of ancient Egypt; we worship the gods of money, fashion, and self.  If we do not set our hearts in worship to the true and living G-d, there will always be lesser gods and systems of false religion to spend our lives on.  So, you see, we are not that different from ancient civilizations; we just see and express things differently.

   We also discussed the role of technology in our society, and how we see nothing wrong with the fact that we don't have a tangible relationship with our money.  We will never hold most of it in our hands; it just exists in numerical form on a virtual screen, and we have faith that it will be in our accounts when we need it.  We are also so connected virtually, by the use of technology, that we have become almost entirely disconnected with the people and world around us.  I have been starting to despise technology for this very reason.  We long for tangible experiences and a deep connection with the world and people around us; that is what makes ancient cultures so appealing.  They knew where they came from and where they were going.  They knew where their food and clothing came from and they knew their neighbors.  Their world was much smaller, interconnected, and intimate.  These are the things we are missing in a world controlled by technology, and this is something I ponder, often.

   I learned so much today; for the first time, I actually enjoyed a museum tour, and look forward to gaining more insights on the next one!  I look forward to taking what I have learned and going through the museum, again, with fresh understanding, and learn to look beyond what I initially see.  I can now raise my hand for both questions, and I am thankful!

Of Beauty and G-d's Glory

Sitting outside, in the cool of the evening, my soul is revived.

I watch in awe as the fading sun paints the Western horizon a firey orange; while the surrounding horizons reflect that glory in soft hues of pink. The faint but steady bird-song is a symphony of beauty that stirs my heart. A squirrel chatters away at the top of a hollowed out tree, and a tomcat hobbles through the yard. The gentle breeze lightly caresses my face, and the cool air refreshes my lungs. The joyous sounds of children playing fills the night sky, as cars whiz by.

There is so much beauty to behold; all around us, at every moment. Even in the "barrenness" of winter, there is beauty. The beauty and intricacy of nature beckons us to ponder the beauty and intricacy of our Creator. It whispers of the glory and majesty of G-d. Beauty calls to us to stop and enjoy, even for a moment. "Stop rushing and striving and just be. Be still, and know that I am G-d. Look upon me. I want to be known by you. I want to share in this life with you. I will give you rest."

I wonder what it would have been like to literally walk with G-d in the cool of the day -like Adam and Eve did before the fall. This is what we were created for. To know this G-d who loves us more than we could ever imagine; to walk with Him in intimate fellowship; to behold His beauty and be undone in His presence. I cannot fathom the glory of this- the priviledge. And yet, as sons and daughters, this is our destiny.

I want to know this Man who is Beauty and Love; who came to rescue me from my captivity; who gave His life for me and continues to fight for the restoration of my heart. He is my Warrior, my King, my Deliverer, and the One my heart longs for. He is compassionate, slow to anger, and rich in love.

My soul sings. My soul sings. My soul sings. How I love You!
Oh G-d let me love You more. Let me see Your beauty and find healing in Your presence. You are worthy. Thank you for revealing Your beauty and glory to us in even the little details of every day life. Amen.

A Story of Freedom from the Prisons of Fear

*I want to tell you a little story.  G-d has been revealing truth to me in so many ways, shining light on the areas where I used to be held captive in chains.  I pray that G-d would use this portion of my story to bring revelation and freedom to your own story.  There is always Hope.  Abba G-d is waiting for you to come to Him, for He is a gentleman and will not force Himself on you, uninvited.  He loves you, and wants to restore unto you all that has been lost, and give you abundant life.  Amen.*


   Not so very long ago, there was a girl, who, upon meeting, you might have thought was quite shy and reserved.  She was quiet and uncertain with new people and old aquaintences, alike.  However, there was another side to her which she desperately wanted to share with the world, and yet kept hidden and "protected," for fear of being rejected...again.
  
   Fear had been her constant companion for as long as she could remember.  She wasn't sure when, exactly, it had crept in, but it was always there; sometimes behind, sometimes beside her and sometimes in front...like a shadow.
  
   As a toddler, she was afraid of being left alone.  As a child, she feared not being enough and not having friends.  As a teenager, she feared failing and being seen.  As a young adult, she was afraid of making the "wrong" decisions or being forced into something she didn't want.
  
   She lived her life motivated by fear.  She was plagued by nightmares, orginating from fear.  She excelled in school out of fear of being a disappointment or letting herself down.  She kept silent when others were mistreated or belittled, for fear of the attention being turned on her.  She didn't take risks or step out in things she may have wanted to be a part of, because she feared not succeeding or, worse, being humiliated and rejected, yet again, by her peers.
  
   Fear especially impacted her relationship with G-d.  She was afraid that if she didn't go to church, He would be disappointed in her.  She was afraid that if she wasn't the "perfect" Christian girl, He would be angry with her and she might end up cast away from His presence.
  
   So much of her life was motivated by fear; fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being a disappointment, fear that she wasn't good enough, etc.  She was defined by it.  Fear engulfed and smothered her until she often felt she could not breathe.
  
   Growing up, school was a lonely and painful place.  She just wanted friends, but never tasted true friendship.  In her experience, friendship was never a completely safe place; for the fear of betrayal was a constant reality.  She desperately yearned to be known and loved.  She wanted to share love with others, but after being rejected and labeled as an outcast time and again, growing up, she had built walls around her heart to protect her true self.

   So, when you met her and thought her to be too shy or possibly arrogant, it was only because she had grown so accustomed to rejection and fear, she didn't know what true friendship and love looked like.  She didn't know who or even how to trust.  But, if you were willing to take a second look and pursue her heart, even a little bit, you would be suprised at how her tightly clenched petals would blossom into a cheerful and beautiful flower.
  
   After highschool, she felt called to east Texas to attend the Honor Academy and spend a year pursuing G-d and His plan for her life.  She had met Yeshua a few years earlier, at an Aquire the Fire.  She had grown up going to church and hearing about Him, but it had all been about religion and shallow knowledge.  Still, good seeds had been planted; however, G-d had always seemed distant, stern and someone not to make angry.

   Now, though, she knew that He loved her and had a purpose for her life.  She knew He was good, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love.  Yeshua had been the only Rock to cling to, and Lighthouse to guide her safely through the storms of adolescence.  He had become more to her than religion or a stern judge; though the Father aspect of G-d and His love for her remained an incomprehensible mystery to her.

   For, apart from a few people in her family, she did not know what unconditional love felt like.  It was one thing to know you were loved, but how did that look/feel/sound like and change you at the end of the day?  She could not wrap her mind around such a love that was good, safe, transformational, and all-consuming.  She was afraid to let someone that close, though she it was what she craved.
  
   In Texas, she began to encounter the love of G-d, and people who reached out to her in love.  G-d, through these new companions, called her "beautiful," "friend," "royalty," "daughter," "beloved," and "loved."  He used people to continuously speak the truth over her until she began to believe it, and finally began to recognize the lies she had agreed with all her life.
  
   She learned and grew SO much in that year and eight months spent in Texas.  Yeshua had called her "Royalty" and "Awakened" her heart to love, and the reality of His desire for her.  She was no longer desolate.  She no longer had a reason to fear.  She was no longer condemned.  She was no longer an orphan.  She was free to love and be loved.
  
   Well, years passed and she found herself wandering through a vast and dry desert.  She was faint with thirst, at times, and would lose sight of Hope.  She clung to the promises of G-d, though she could hardly feel His nearness.  She began to doubt and opened the door, unaware, for fear to re-enter her heart.
  
   She began to rebuild the walls around her heart, though not as high or thick; for this time she had friends to walk beside her, and the Word of G-d whispering truth, in her deepest places, that would chip away at her defenses.  Sometimes, she would sit in Yeshua's presence, worship, and weep as He broke down the walls she tried to build, stone by stone.  Other times, she would try and run from Him, afraid of the calling He had spoken over her and what it would cost.  She wanted to surrender everything, but fear so often kept her chained to the ground.
  
   Fear, yet again, became her prison, but this time, she could see that the door was wide open; her freedom had been purchased.  She heard the voice of the Deliverer call to her, but sometimes fear felt safer than freedom.  It was familiar and she knew what to expect.  She always yearned to fly away, yet stayed grounded.

   Finally, the prison had become so small and tight that she could no longer turn around or breathe.  She couldn't take it anymore, and began to contend for her freedom.  She cried out to Yeshua, again, and He came for her.  He rescued her from the crumbling prison and broke off the chains of fear that had kept her from Love.
  
   She was FREE and worshipped the One who had freed her from those chains.  He reminded her of her identity as His daughter; His princess.  She was overjoyed in His presence and in awe of His love.  He showed her that He had always been there.  Yeshua knew every tear that had fallen, and felt every arrow of pain that had pierced her heart.  He SAW her and loved her anyway.  He pursued her with His love, even when she tried to run away.  He was always beside her, waiting for her to come into His open arms of love.  He had never once left her or forsaken her.
 
   For the first time in her life, she began to experience the tangible love of G-d in a way she had never been able to, before.  It engulfed her, like a safe and tender embrace.  She was ready to surrender everything.  She was no longer afraid to be seen or truly loved by Father G-d.  He was the only one worthy.  He was safe and she finally trusted Him above all else.

   She was finally ready to walk out in the calling she had been given all those years ago; to be a voice for the voiceless and to care for the orphan and widow in their time of distress.  She was willing to lay it all down, for Yeshua's love was stronger than death, perfect, and to be trusted; and perfect love cast out fear.
  
   She began to realize the battle she was in, and the need to stay close to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  She recognized the patterns of destructive thought, became aware when the spirit of fear tried to attack and gain access to her heart, and learned how to fight against it.  She broke her agreements with fear and rejection, and began to walk in her identity and authority as a daughter of the Most High King.
 
   She had walked in these realities in the past, but had never really let go of the fear that so easily entangles.  So, she would be rescued, and walk right back into that prison of fear, again.  But this time, she was no longer willing to go back there, and realized that she would have to contend for her freedom, daily.  She also began to understand that the best way to do that was to seek the heart and presence of King Yeshua; and that worship/intercession were, both, the keys to enter His courts and the weapons to wage war against the Darkness.

   And so, this girl who used to be held silent in fear, had finally found her voice.  Fear no longer controlled her.  She knew she had a story to tell, and love, as well as healing, to share with hurting hearts.  She was free and she was loved.  She had found the One whom her soul longed for, and knew that He alone could satisfy the desires of her heart.  The opinions and approval of mere men no longer mattered, as much, in comparison with the truth of how Father G-d loved her.  For, if G-d is for us, who can be against us?!  

   So, if you see this girl, and think that maybe she is too shy or reserved; it is only because she is still learning to use her voice that had been silenced by fear all those years; she is still learning spread her wings and fly.  She is learning to trust, again, and is learning to be vulnerable, when needed.  If you will stop and really look, you will see a blossoming flower; beauty for ashes, strength for tears and and garment of joy for heaviness.  To G-d be the glory, great things He has done!



  "16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.17This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:16-19)

"1The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

2to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor." (Isaiah 61:1-2a)

Tabernacles

Colorful silk blillows gracefully in the air.
Dancers move with grace and poise.
Every movement and expression speaks of worship to G-d Most High.

My heart yearns to dance before my King. Tabernacles is my favorite thing.

Not sure why, but I can't stop rhyming. My thoughts have been coming in verse today. The only way to make any sense of the chaos of my heart just now.

Anyway, Feast of Tabernacles is my favorite season. A major celebration; worship to the King of Ages.
The dancers have become my family. Bound together with cords of love that cannot be broken. I miss them already. and I haven't even left yet!
I'm heart broken that I cannot participate this year or even sit in the audience.
The last two years of doing this has changed my life. I've been ruined for the ordinary. I NEED to dance!
This is where I belong; with these people, Feast of Tabernacles, dancing unto ADONAI.
But I'm moving to Kansas.... Oh, G-d, what is your plan for me in this??

Journal

Smooth blank pages long rejected.
Ink that used to ebb and flow.
Thoughts that bid me to record them.
In the secrecy of solitude.
An art I used to take for granted.
It's time to dust off the cobwebs.
My journal beckons me.