Not so very long ago, there was a girl, who, upon meeting, you might have thought was quite shy and reserved. She was quiet and uncertain with new people and old aquaintences, alike. However, there was another side to her which she desperately wanted to share with the world, and yet kept hidden and "protected," for fear of being rejected...again.
Fear had been her constant companion for as long as she could remember. She wasn't sure when, exactly, it had crept in, but it was always there; sometimes behind, sometimes beside her and sometimes in front...like a shadow.
As a toddler, she was afraid of being left alone. As a child, she feared not being enough and not having friends. As a teenager, she feared failing and being seen. As a young adult, she was afraid of making the "wrong" decisions or being forced into something she didn't want.
She lived her life motivated by fear. She was plagued by nightmares, orginating from fear. She excelled in school out of fear of being a disappointment or letting herself down. She kept silent when others were mistreated or belittled, for fear of the attention being turned on her. She didn't take risks or step out in things she may have wanted to be a part of, because she feared not succeeding or, worse, being humiliated and rejected, yet again, by her peers.
Fear especially impacted her relationship with G-d. She was afraid that if she didn't go to church, He would be disappointed in her. She was afraid that if she wasn't the "perfect" Christian girl, He would be angry with her and she might end up cast away from His presence.
So much of her life was motivated by fear; fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being a disappointment, fear that she wasn't good enough, etc. She was defined by it. Fear engulfed and smothered her until she often felt she could not breathe.
Growing up, school was a lonely and painful place. She just wanted friends, but never tasted true friendship. In her experience, friendship was never a completely safe place; for the fear of betrayal was a constant reality. She desperately yearned to be known and loved. She wanted to share love with others, but after being rejected and labeled as an outcast time and again, growing up, she had built walls around her heart to protect her true self.
So, when you met her and thought her to be too shy or possibly arrogant, it was only because she had grown so accustomed to rejection and fear, she didn't know what true friendship and love looked like. She didn't know who or even how to trust. But, if you were willing to take a second look and pursue her heart, even a little bit, you would be suprised at how her tightly clenched petals would blossom into a cheerful and beautiful flower.
After highschool, she felt called to east Texas to attend the Honor Academy and spend a year pursuing G-d and His plan for her life. She had met Yeshua a few years earlier, at an Aquire the Fire. She had grown up going to church and hearing about Him, but it had all been about religion and shallow knowledge. Still, good seeds had been planted; however, G-d had always seemed distant, stern and someone not to make angry.
Now, though, she knew that He loved her and had a purpose for her life. She knew He was good, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love. Yeshua had been the only Rock to cling to, and Lighthouse to guide her safely through the storms of adolescence. He had become more to her than religion or a stern judge; though the Father aspect of G-d and His love for her remained an incomprehensible mystery to her.
For, apart from a few people in her family, she did not know what unconditional love felt like. It was one thing to know you were loved, but how did that look/feel/sound like and change you at the end of the day? She could not wrap her mind around such a love that was good, safe, transformational, and all-consuming. She was afraid to let someone that close, though she it was what she craved.
In Texas, she began to encounter the love of G-d, and people who reached out to her in love. G-d, through these new companions, called her "beautiful," "friend," "royalty," "daughter," "beloved," and "loved." He used people to continuously speak the truth over her until she began to believe it, and finally began to recognize the lies she had agreed with all her life.
She learned and grew SO much in that year and eight months spent in Texas. Yeshua had called her "Royalty" and "Awakened" her heart to love, and the reality of His desire for her. She was no longer desolate. She no longer had a reason to fear. She was no longer condemned. She was no longer an orphan. She was free to love and be loved.
Well, years passed and she found herself wandering through a vast and dry desert. She was faint with thirst, at times, and would lose sight of Hope. She clung to the promises of G-d, though she could hardly feel His nearness. She began to doubt and opened the door, unaware, for fear to re-enter her heart.
She began to rebuild the walls around her heart, though not as high or thick; for this time she had friends to walk beside her, and the Word of G-d whispering truth, in her deepest places, that would chip away at her defenses. Sometimes, she would sit in Yeshua's presence, worship, and weep as He broke down the walls she tried to build, stone by stone. Other times, she would try and run from Him, afraid of the calling He had spoken over her and what it would cost. She wanted to surrender everything, but fear so often kept her chained to the ground.
Fear, yet again, became her prison, but this time, she could see that the door was wide open; her freedom had been purchased. She heard the voice of the Deliverer call to her, but sometimes fear felt safer than freedom. It was familiar and she knew what to expect. She always yearned to fly away, yet stayed grounded.
Finally, the prison had become so small and tight that she could no longer turn around or breathe. She couldn't take it anymore, and began to contend for her freedom. She cried out to Yeshua, again, and He came for her. He rescued her from the crumbling prison and broke off the chains of fear that had kept her from Love.
She was FREE and worshipped the One who had freed her from those chains. He reminded her of her identity as His daughter; His princess. She was overjoyed in His presence and in awe of His love. He showed her that He had always been there. Yeshua knew every tear that had fallen, and felt every arrow of pain that had pierced her heart. He SAW her and loved her anyway. He pursued her with His love, even when she tried to run away. He was always beside her, waiting for her to come into His open arms of love. He had never once left her or forsaken her.
For the first time in her life, she began to experience the tangible love of G-d in a way she had never been able to, before. It engulfed her, like a safe and tender embrace. She was ready to surrender everything. She was no longer afraid to be seen or truly loved by Father G-d. He was the only one worthy. He was safe and she finally trusted Him above all else.
She was finally ready to walk out in the calling she had been given all those years ago; to be a voice for the voiceless and to care for the orphan and widow in their time of distress. She was willing to lay it all down, for Yeshua's love was stronger than death, perfect, and to be trusted; and perfect love cast out fear.
She began to realize the battle she was in, and the need to stay close to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. She recognized the patterns of destructive thought, became aware when the spirit of fear tried to attack and gain access to her heart, and learned how to fight against it. She broke her agreements with fear and rejection, and began to walk in her identity and authority as a daughter of the Most High King.
She had walked in these realities in the past, but had never really let go of the fear that so easily entangles. So, she would be rescued, and walk right back into that prison of fear, again. But this time, she was no longer willing to go back there, and realized that she would have to contend for her freedom, daily. She also began to understand that the best way to do that was to seek the heart and presence of King Yeshua; and that worship/intercession were, both, the keys to enter His courts and the weapons to wage war against the Darkness.
And so, this girl who used to be held silent in fear, had finally found her voice. Fear no longer controlled her. She knew she had a story to tell, and love, as well as healing, to share with hurting hearts. She was free and she was loved. She had found the One whom her soul longed for, and knew that He alone could satisfy the desires of her heart. The opinions and approval of mere men no longer mattered, as much, in comparison with the truth of how Father G-d loved her. For, if G-d is for us, who can be against us?!
So, if you see this girl, and think that maybe she is too shy or reserved; it is only because she is still learning to use her voice that had been silenced by fear all those years; she is still learning spread her wings and fly. She is learning to trust, again, and is learning to be vulnerable, when needed. If you will stop and really look, you will see a blossoming flower; beauty for ashes, strength for tears and and garment of joy for heaviness. To G-d be the glory, great things He has done!
"16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.17This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
19We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:16-19)
"1The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor." (Isaiah 61:1-2a)
No comments:
Post a Comment