My confession - September 14, 2007
I have never felt like I belong in this world. I've never "fit in," and even now I feel it. It is an ever present reality in my day-to-day life. This sensation of standing out from amongst the crowd, being alone in a room full of people... In these times when I feel my heart begin to despair, there is only One I can turn to for comfort - the only One who really understands me - Jesus Christ.
Over the past few years, Jesus has changed my life, heart and mind drastically and has shown me that I am not alone. That He has a purpose for me and when I abide in Him I will find rest for my weary soul. But it hasn't always been this way...
When I was a child, I was quite out-going and excited about life. I hadn't a care in the world. Then, when I was just 6 years old, my little world shattered when my parents announced the impending divorce. Things began to change. My parents, my security, were no longer together. I still saw my dad, but nothing would ever be the same again.
I turned inward to deal with a pain I couldn't even begin to understand until just a few years ago; I turned to the world of imagination. I clung to my childhood with everything in me and did my best to escape reality. School began to get harder and no one understood me. I didn't fit in, but it wasn't too bad because I still had a friend.
Then, Jr. High came and my life became a living Hell. Those whom I counted as friends turned their backs on me in favor of self-interest and peer pressure. In those times when I most needed a friend, there were none to be found. I dreaded going to school and couldn't wait until 3:20 when the bell rang and I could leave. Walking through the halls, sitting in class, and eating in the cafeteria was torture for me most of the time - whenever these "friends" decided they didn't want to have anything to do with me... I felt like eveyone was always staring, laughing, poking fun at the awkward girl who didn't fit in....
I would go home and escape reality by turning on the tv. I would cry myself to sleep at times because it was too much for me to bear.... I began to shut down to emotion and the walls went up around my heart. I determined that I would not share my heart with anyone, not even family, because everytime I tried I was denied. No one seemed to care enough to listen to someone else's pain....
I became depressed and didn't want to live anymore. But I knew suicide would never be an option so I was trapped. I couldn't die but I didn't want to live.... The pain was unbearable. I couldn't understand how people could be so cruel. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved...
Then, about my Sophomore year in highschool, I went to an Acquire the Fire youth conference (for the 2nd or 3rd time). There, in that darkened arena, as the speaker was talking and music was playing, G-d spoke to my heart....
I had heard it all before growing up in church, but back then it was nothing more than dried up religion. History. It was a story of interest for sure, and I believed it to be true, but it was never before so real to me as in that moment....
G-d so LOVED the world that he GAVE His ONLY begotten son that who-so-ever belives in Him will NOT perish, but have eternal LIFE... (A verse long-ago memorized and stored away suddenly became real.) God loved ME! Someone really loved me! Loved me enough to give His life as a ransom for mine so that I could live and have a relationship with G-d!
For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of G-d. We deserve death. The only acceptable atonement for our sin is blood. That's why the Jews of old sacrificed animals all the time - it was required by G-d. That was the only way G-d could be near them, because He cannot dwell with sin. So Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice - the pure and spotless Lamb. once and for all. So, we don't have to earn God's approval. We don't have to strive to do good deeds. We don't have to be perfect. All we have to do is believe Jesus and His cross and seek to live as He did. We can have relationship with the Creator God - coming near by the blood of the Lamb. That is what er were created for...
So, back to the ATF... my life now had hope. There was a reason for living. I was loved and it didn't matter what other people thought of me... My cirmcumstances didn't change much, but in the years to come, G-d changed my heart.... I learned to forgive those who had hurt me and to love when I was tempted to hate. I learned that G-d has a purpose for my life and that it was, first and foremost, to know and love and worship my Creator - to give Him my heart and seek His...
It took me about 3 years to really learn a lot of this, and my life since then hasn't always been easy. Quite the contrary. But it has been worth it! It is worth it! G-d is SO good and he sustains me and floods my heart with peace when I turn to Him in my brokeness. He gives me the strength to keep going when I don't think I can take another step. He is my joy, my everything and I love Him!
All the pain and suffering has been woven together with the good times in the tapestry of my life. It's what makes me who I am. My experiences and my redemption. I wouldn't have it any other way. G-d still has a plan for me - and for YOU - and I am excited about what the future has in store. I no longer need the approval of man, for I have the apporval of the King of kings and LORD of lords, the Creator of the universe, Jesus Christ.... He calls me His Beautiful daughter. A child of the King. My life is in His hands and in that I am secure.
The ugly duckling turned into the swan princess and has finally found her place - safe in the arms of Jesus.
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